The Climate Strike and associated heightening of social media discussion has also brought the usual trolls out of their caves. I have no positive proof of this, but I'm pretty sure one or other of the Koch Brothers-funded entities has produced a 'Guide for Climate Trolls*' which is circulating somewhere on the dark web. It contains a short compendium of appropriate trolls from which followers are encouraged to select one or two and elaborate to taste. While I have never personally seen this document I am fairly sure I can list its contents. They are presented below, with handy counter-troll responses in brackets, and now numbered for easy reference .
Part 1: For the Striking Children
Children are easy prey for trolls and bullies because they are smaller than the rest of us. The guide makes bullying them even easier with some handy tips. Here are some replies to help you stand up for the small people in your life.
1.1 - 'I bet they drove there in cars.' (You know kids don't drive, right?)
1.2 - 'They should give up their mobile phone/air-conditioning/plastic water bottles/insert luxury here.' (Because that would solve the problem and then we wouldn't need to change government policy?)
1.3 - 'They just want a day off school, why don't they hold it on Saturday?' (It's a strike, not a picnic.)
1.4 - 'They should be in school getting an education.' (Seems they did, be careful what you wish for.)
1.5 - 'They're being manipulated by adults.' (Because we all know teenagers do exactly what adults tell them.)
1.6 - 'Children shouldn't need to be worried about such things, they should be free to play.' (That's what they say too. Now let's get on with fixing it so they can stop worrying.)
1.7 - 'Look at all the litter they left behind!' - accompanied by random litter photo. (In the unlikely event that no-one one else has already done so, do a reverse image search. The photo is a fake, trust me, they all are.)
1.8 - 'Child abuse! Paedophilia!' (I don't know, some things have no answer. Perhaps ask if they're OK, they seem distressed, have they been taking their meds?)
Part 2: For Any Climate Discussion
It's hard to list every generic climate troll in a short guide like this, but these are the main families of troll.
2.1 - 'The science is unclear/in dispute.' (It is disputed by a few cranks and charlatans, mostly connected to the fossil fuel industry.)
2.2 - 'It's natural variation, nothing we can do.' (See above)
2.3 - 'It's caused by volcanoes/sunspots/solar cycles/aliens with blow driers.' (See above)
2.4 - 'The seas are not rising, the islands are growing, look at this random point-in-time photo comparison.' (See above. Also, I dare you to go to Tuvalu/the Solomons/insert preferred low-lying island nation and say this in a coastal village.)
2.5 - 'Why are we scared of CO2? It's an odourless, colourless gas that promotes plant growth.' (Because science.)
2.6 - 'The IPCC is a political body and not real scientists, and it distorts the science.' (This is kind of true. The political representatives on the IPCC have consistently watered down its findings, so its reports are less alarming than the actual science.)
2.7 - 'Climate-gate.' (It was a beat-up. Also, scientists are human.)
2.8 - 'Back in the 1970s scientists were warning us about the impending ice age, and look how that worked out!' (Actually, in the 1970s most climate scientists were concerned about global warming, but a few speculated about a possible ice age and there was a media beat-up. They were wrong. The majority were right. The earth is warming.)
2.9 - 'It's just a scam by scientists to get lucrative research grants.' (Have you seen how much scientists get paid? Pro tip: if you want to get rich, try mining.)
2.10 - 'Renewable energy doesn't work/costs too much/causes cancer/looks ugly/insert pathetic objection here.' (Well, at least it won't cost the earth and actually I think those windmills look quite majestic. Plus, have you ever heard of 'Black Lung'?)
2.11 - 'Fossil fuels are the key to prosperity, don't you care about the poor?' (Yes, coal is magic dust. We all know that. Now can we get on with decarbonising before the planet burns up and we all starve?)
2.12 - 'It will cost too much to do anything about it, what we need is jobs, growth and a strong economy.' (Climate change is an economic wrecking ball. Also, there are jobs in sustainable technology.)
2.13 - 'When I was a lad we had a summer so hot the bitumen on our street turned into a raging torrent and washed away three houses at the bottom of the hill.' ('But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'....')
2.14 - 'Australia is such a small country we can't possibly make a difference, go protest in China if you want real change.' (Remember this line next time our climate-denying politicians propose involvement in an American war. Also, Australia's per capita emissions are more than twice China's.)
2.15 - 'It's a hoax/conspiracy/leftist plot.' (Conspiracy theories are inherently impervious to refutation. Ask if they're OK etc.)
Part 3: Christian Trolls
Christian climate activists have their own sectarian trolls, and the list contains a number of theologically inspired messages to aid their trolling. Where possible I have provided Bible references in the response as this tends to be the form in these things.
3.1 - 'While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, shall not cease - Genesis 8:22' (The Bible is a very long and complex book. Try Genesis 3:17-19, Isaiah 24:1-13, Jeremiah 2:7, Romans 8:19-23)
3.2 - 'Trust God, He will not allow us to come to harm.' (Except that Jesus died on a cross and all the apostles were likewise executed. God does not protect us from the consequences of evil, but promises that it will not have the last word.)
3.3 - 'Why aren't they out protesting abortion?' (Feel free to do both.)
3.4 - 'Our job is to evangelise, not to try and reform this world which is destined for destruction in any case.' ('Shall we continue to sin that grace may abound?' Rom 6:1)
3.5 - 'Environmentalism is pantheism/nature worship.' (So when you campaign against abortion, this is because you worship the uterus? Also Psalm 148)
3.6 - 'Climate change is the new religion.' (No-one worships climate change, we are trying to stop it. Also, science.)
3.7 - 'Climate change is just an excuse to usher in the One World Government and put us all under the spell of the Beast.' (Ask if they're OK etc.)
Thanks to some of my evil friends who have also almost read the Koch Guide and filled in the gaps in my memory. Please let me know in the comments if I've missed any trolls. Or you can read some more detailed lists here and here.
Also, if you want this post to stay up once the Koch Brothers attempt to sue the pants off me for revealing their secret, please donate to my Legal Fighting Fund.
In the meantime, keep fighting for climate action. We will win in the end, I pray it will not be too late.
*Readers will note that the word 'troll' is both a noun and a verb, so a climate troll is both a person, and the lines they utter. If you are thinking of helpfully explaining to me that an internet troll is not actually a savage but slightly stupid mythical creature, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Part 1: For the Striking Children
Children are easy prey for trolls and bullies because they are smaller than the rest of us. The guide makes bullying them even easier with some handy tips. Here are some replies to help you stand up for the small people in your life.
1.1 - 'I bet they drove there in cars.' (You know kids don't drive, right?)
1.2 - 'They should give up their mobile phone/air-conditioning/plastic water bottles/insert luxury here.' (Because that would solve the problem and then we wouldn't need to change government policy?)
1.3 - 'They just want a day off school, why don't they hold it on Saturday?' (It's a strike, not a picnic.)
1.4 - 'They should be in school getting an education.' (Seems they did, be careful what you wish for.)
1.5 - 'They're being manipulated by adults.' (Because we all know teenagers do exactly what adults tell them.)
1.6 - 'Children shouldn't need to be worried about such things, they should be free to play.' (That's what they say too. Now let's get on with fixing it so they can stop worrying.)
1.7 - 'Look at all the litter they left behind!' - accompanied by random litter photo. (In the unlikely event that no-one one else has already done so, do a reverse image search. The photo is a fake, trust me, they all are.)
1.8 - 'Child abuse! Paedophilia!' (I don't know, some things have no answer. Perhaps ask if they're OK, they seem distressed, have they been taking their meds?)
Part 2: For Any Climate Discussion
It's hard to list every generic climate troll in a short guide like this, but these are the main families of troll.
2.1 - 'The science is unclear/in dispute.' (It is disputed by a few cranks and charlatans, mostly connected to the fossil fuel industry.)
2.2 - 'It's natural variation, nothing we can do.' (See above)
2.3 - 'It's caused by volcanoes/sunspots/solar cycles/aliens with blow driers.' (See above)
2.4 - 'The seas are not rising, the islands are growing, look at this random point-in-time photo comparison.' (See above. Also, I dare you to go to Tuvalu/the Solomons/insert preferred low-lying island nation and say this in a coastal village.)
2.5 - 'Why are we scared of CO2? It's an odourless, colourless gas that promotes plant growth.' (Because science.)
2.6 - 'The IPCC is a political body and not real scientists, and it distorts the science.' (This is kind of true. The political representatives on the IPCC have consistently watered down its findings, so its reports are less alarming than the actual science.)
2.7 - 'Climate-gate.' (It was a beat-up. Also, scientists are human.)
2.8 - 'Back in the 1970s scientists were warning us about the impending ice age, and look how that worked out!' (Actually, in the 1970s most climate scientists were concerned about global warming, but a few speculated about a possible ice age and there was a media beat-up. They were wrong. The majority were right. The earth is warming.)
2.9 - 'It's just a scam by scientists to get lucrative research grants.' (Have you seen how much scientists get paid? Pro tip: if you want to get rich, try mining.)
2.10 - 'Renewable energy doesn't work/costs too much/causes cancer/looks ugly/insert pathetic objection here.' (Well, at least it won't cost the earth and actually I think those windmills look quite majestic. Plus, have you ever heard of 'Black Lung'?)
2.11 - 'Fossil fuels are the key to prosperity, don't you care about the poor?' (Yes, coal is magic dust. We all know that. Now can we get on with decarbonising before the planet burns up and we all starve?)
2.12 - 'It will cost too much to do anything about it, what we need is jobs, growth and a strong economy.' (Climate change is an economic wrecking ball. Also, there are jobs in sustainable technology.)
2.13 - 'When I was a lad we had a summer so hot the bitumen on our street turned into a raging torrent and washed away three houses at the bottom of the hill.' ('But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'....')
2.14 - 'Australia is such a small country we can't possibly make a difference, go protest in China if you want real change.' (Remember this line next time our climate-denying politicians propose involvement in an American war. Also, Australia's per capita emissions are more than twice China's.)
2.15 - 'It's a hoax/conspiracy/leftist plot.' (Conspiracy theories are inherently impervious to refutation. Ask if they're OK etc.)
Part 3: Christian Trolls
Christian climate activists have their own sectarian trolls, and the list contains a number of theologically inspired messages to aid their trolling. Where possible I have provided Bible references in the response as this tends to be the form in these things.
3.1 - 'While the earth remains, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, shall not cease - Genesis 8:22' (The Bible is a very long and complex book. Try Genesis 3:17-19, Isaiah 24:1-13, Jeremiah 2:7, Romans 8:19-23)
3.2 - 'Trust God, He will not allow us to come to harm.' (Except that Jesus died on a cross and all the apostles were likewise executed. God does not protect us from the consequences of evil, but promises that it will not have the last word.)
3.3 - 'Why aren't they out protesting abortion?' (Feel free to do both.)
3.4 - 'Our job is to evangelise, not to try and reform this world which is destined for destruction in any case.' ('Shall we continue to sin that grace may abound?' Rom 6:1)
3.5 - 'Environmentalism is pantheism/nature worship.' (So when you campaign against abortion, this is because you worship the uterus? Also Psalm 148)
3.6 - 'Climate change is the new religion.' (No-one worships climate change, we are trying to stop it. Also, science.)
3.7 - 'Climate change is just an excuse to usher in the One World Government and put us all under the spell of the Beast.' (Ask if they're OK etc.)
Thanks to some of my evil friends who have also almost read the Koch Guide and filled in the gaps in my memory. Please let me know in the comments if I've missed any trolls. Or you can read some more detailed lists here and here.
Also, if you want this post to stay up once the Koch Brothers attempt to sue the pants off me for revealing their secret, please donate to my Legal Fighting Fund.
In the meantime, keep fighting for climate action. We will win in the end, I pray it will not be too late.
*Readers will note that the word 'troll' is both a noun and a verb, so a climate troll is both a person, and the lines they utter. If you are thinking of helpfully explaining to me that an internet troll is not actually a savage but slightly stupid mythical creature, yeah, yeah, whatever.
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